POKER HUMOUR AND POKER JOKES
More Poker Quotations, Poker Trivia and Poker Games(manship)
POKER THEORY
POKER CHEATS
[Click on the 1891 New York Times extract below for a larger image]
MORE POKER CHEATS
"The best strategy for poker, if you want to live like a real poker cheat is to remember that nothing matters but money.
That means if while walking to the poker table in someone's home you see an open purse with about as much money in it as you're going to win in the night, just grab the money, turn around, go to your car, leave and never see them again.
Penn Teller
THE POKER GADGET
"The Wall Street Journal reports the appearance of a new device called the Pokemeter, a poker slide rule that tells whether to raise, stay or get out in draw, five or seven-card stud. We do not see a future for it. The man who sits in with a Pokemeter invites the contempt that would have greeted a boy who turned up at the old swimming hole with a set of water wings. A real poker player does not compute his chances on a slide rule. He measures them, by a firm belief in his ability to fill an inside straight, and by his skill in determining the strength of a companion’s hand by reading the companion’s eyes. Mathematical expectation does not cloud his judgment. When it’s all over, the chances are good that the conventional poker player does not have the dollar that a Pokemeter costs, but that does not matter. he has had his fun. And he has kept an ancient game of skill and daring from degenerating into something about as exciting as a game of Old Maid."
Editorial in The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Aug 18, 1950)
BARACK OBAMA and THE POLITICAL POKER BLUFF
"Poker is a fun way for people to relax and share stories and give each other a hard time over friendly competition."
Barack Obama (2007)President Obama is holding his cards on Iran
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 “While bemoaning President Obama's lack of support for the Iranian revolutionaries ['2009: The year of living fecklessly,' op-ed, Dec. 25], Charles Krauthammer unwittingly wrote the counterargument that trumps his entire column: 'Will this revolution succeed? The odds are long but the reward immense.'
Mr. Krauthammer should know that Mr. Obama is a poker player, and a good one. Good poker players don't bet on long odds. At a winner-take-all table with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad across from Mr. Obama, it might be a long match, but the smart money's on Obama.”
Will Hafer, Somerville, Mass.
If it's poker, Iran is winningRegarding Will Hafer's Dec. 30 letter, 'Mr. Obama's long view on Iran':
“It never ceases to amaze me how liberals look at reality. The proper poker analogy would be that, so far, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has called President Obama's bluff on every hand played and has won every time. Mr. Ahmadinejad has all the time in the world to play this amateur game. As long as Mr. Obama keeps playing penny ante hands against a guy who holds all the chips, he will not win the world poker championship. Mr. Ahmadinejad can just sit back and say: 'Is that all you got?' ”
Mike Ryan, South Riding
Letters to the Editor in The Washington Post (2010)
C'MON ... DARE ME, GO ON, BLUFF ME!
John Candy teaches a poker dummy the facts of life in StripesA FAMILY PLOT
It hadn't been a stunning deal
I'd no idea how tense I'd feel
As I played online poker
My daughter used my credit card
She'd won a fortune - and it jarred
I knew I'd have to go in hard
When I played online poker
I'd joined the game just after three
At midnight bursting for a pee
A backdoor nut-flush? Could be me
While I played online poker
Hunched across computer keys
An underdog with two and threes
I signalled with the mouse: ‘Time please’
As I played online poker
I'd need to call before the flop
I paid him off. This had to stop
Sweat? I thought we'd need a mop
While I played online poker
Texas Hold 'em, Seven-Card Stud
I'd lost it all, my name was mud
I offered cash, they wanted blood
When I played online poker
I bet my shirt, I bet my house
The car, with one click of a mouse
Was gone - what would I tell my spouse?
I blame this online poker.
My daughter went back on and then
She won the whole lot back again
Considering she's only ten
She knows her online poker.
Mike Newell in The Independent on Sunday (2004)
Our Father, which art on the button
Luck be thy name.
Thy "All In" come.
Thy bluff be done,
Online as it is in Vegas.
Give us this day our stack of chips,
And forgive us our bad calls,
As we forgive those who shove against us.
And lead us not into traps,
But, deliver us from donks.
For thine is the fold, and the call, and the raise.
For ever and ever.
Amen
POKER JOKES
Q. What do vampires play poker for?
A. High stakes.
Q. How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?
A. His chips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a large pizza and a poker player?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four, a poker player can't.
A POKER WIDOW'S LAMENT
To have a poker player in your life is like a deck of cards:
You will need a heart to fall in love with him.
You will receive a diamond for marrying him.
You will need a club to beat him.
You will need a spade to bury him!
And, good luck ladies if he turns out to be a joker.
You will need a heart to fall in love with him.
You will receive a diamond for marrying him.
You will need a club to beat him.
You will need a spade to bury him!
And, good luck ladies if he turns out to be a joker.
STRIP POKER
A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said, “but I play better when I’m naked.” She then proceeded to undress.On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head’s-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, “I won! I won! I won!”
The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot.
“What’d she have?” the loser asked the dealer.
“I don’t know,” the dealer said. “I thought you were watching.”
Larger image and purchase details at
DOGS PLAYING POKER
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
A Red dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow Poker, Bow wow Poker."
The clerk says, "You can add another "Bow wow' for the same price."
"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
Q. What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
A. In about ten years the dog quits whining.
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
An old man stops by a pub with his dog and finds a poker game underway in the back room. The man nods to the group’s leader who signals him to pull up a chair. He plays a few hands as his dog looks on from a nearby barstool.
An hour into the game, the old man gets a good 7-stud starting hand. At 5th Street he’s just shy of completing a club flush and getting excited.
Another player, however, is showing a higher community card and appears to be working towards a spade flush. While 7th Street is being dealt, the old man looks to his dog and says, “I could use an ace of clubs.”
The dog leaps from the barstool and charges the dealer who, while reaching down to free his ankle from the dog’s mouth, drops an ace of spades from his shirt sleeve. The dog retrieves the ace and takes it to the old man.
“Stupid dog! Can’t you get anything right?”
The barkeep, who is chucking the cheater out, tells the man, “Mister, that dog saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat.”
The old man throws the exposed card on the table, “I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!”
COWBOY POKER
Two mean-looking cowboys playing five card stud at a table ... One suddenly plunges a Bowie knife through the hand of the other player, pinning the hand to the table. Says to his wounded opponent, "Sir, if that is not an ace of spades hidden beneath your hand, then I owe you an apology."
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